Did I Mention the Birds?

Did I ever mention that the animals here are mutants? I mean, they are really big. The cows feed off of the lush green grass and get so big that they put the cattle back home to shame. From a distance they sometimes look like horses. The animals that amaze me the most, however, are the birds.

I don’t know how many of you know this – I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this – but I am terrified of birds. Ever since I was very young, each time I get close to one or one gets close to me, I get shivers up my spine. I know that I am much bigger than they are, for the majority of the bird population anyway, but they completely freak me out. They can poke your eyes out in an instant you know. I think that they are very smart creatures as well. If you walk along a path that is near their home, they will dive in front of you and try to keep you from crossing the path. They are quite intimidating. Now, I have seen some nasty birds in my life (can you say Turkey Buzzard?), but none can compare to the birds that live around here.

Okay, there may only be ravens, quail, and pigeons that live on my campus, but they are the biggest bunch of birds I have ever seen. Sometimes I think I’m looking at black roosters or two-legged panthers. Okay, that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but not the rooster part. They are, in the words of my favorite niece and nephew, “humungous.” Under their eyes and above their beaks they have a feather pattern that looks like a mask. It’s very creepy and makes me think of mini Darkwing Ducks (the only bird I really like). They are masked terrors flying around.

Not only are they big and wear mask, but they are fearless. They don’t budge when you walk near them. Usually birds have the decency to fly away when you get too close to them, but these varmints make you move instead. I just nonchalantly make a large curve along the path around them to avoid any unnecessary confrontations. They seem to like that a lot more than when I walk near them. At least we agree on something.

The worst part about the birds though, is their ferocious “caw.” Sometimes their voices sound like a dying cat mixed with a little . . . growl. They perch on top of signs, lamp posts, phone wires, anything that puts them above you really, and they peer down at you with their beady, masked eyes and pointy beaks and let out a howl. They would make for very good haunted house background noises.

So far, I think the mutant animals are the only bad things that I have to say about Ireland. And, let’s be honest, it is quite a silly complaint.